What to do when you’re in love with an unavailable man
I’ve been hanging out with this guy for 4 months. He’s a fashion designer and writer so he’s always busy. Everything’s great when we spend time with each other. We do get intimate when we see each other and at other times we just hang out. About a month ago I asked him if we could ever be more than friends and he said he’s not going to answer that. What does that mean. I really like him and I don’t wanna lose him. In fact, I might be falling in love with him. Please help!
What his silence is saying Loud and Clear
He didn’t answer you because an answer might mess with the status quo and he likes things the way they are now. Little responsibility, lots of fun. And you! He gets to have you!
By asking him to be more than friends, you ask him for a greater commitment. I know it doesn’t seem like much to you; after all, you’re already hanging out, you’re already intimate, all you want is to make it official and take the fun to the next level!
But to him, it’s enough to make him tongue-tied. He’s busy, he’s young, and he wants to have fun without the “drama that relationships inevitably bring.” (Do I know these guys or what? 😉
He’s not ready for a relationship BUT he’s not ready to let you go either.
Hence him awkwardly pleading the fifth.
How he sees your future (Doom and Gloom!)
At this time, he doesn’t have a lot to give to a partner. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy who “uses” women and is totally selfish; it just means he has other priorities in life right now (like his career.)
He’s afraid that if he says yes to your proposal with the little he can offer, he will fail to live up to your relationship expectations. And he will fail to make you happy.
So, you see, he doesn’t not answer you because he doesn’t want you; he doesn’t answer you because he doesn’t want to LOSE you!
At this stage of the game you’re excited to see him whenever he can make the time. The little he is able to give you is enough to satisfy and make you happy. He is a success. This is very important to a man.
But the moment the friendship evolves into something more romantic, the expectations on him evolve as well.
Suddenly you’re feeling sad and neglected when he doesn’t make time for you, rather than appreciating him for when he does. The dynamics will grow tense and the innocent joy you felt with each other will drown in the overwhelming tides of expectations and disappointments. He’s played the entire thing out in his head and all he can see is Doom and Gloom!
Of course, it doesn’t have to happen like this.
How I got my impossibly busy man to fall head over heels in love with me
A few years ago I was in a similar boat as you are today.
I met this great (if impossibly busy) guy and we became incredibly close very quickly. The first time we hung out one-on-one was the second time we had ever met. We took a 4 hour road trip to my family’s ranch in Mendocino and stayed for 3 days. Just us. No one else. Talking through the night, sharing deep secrets and dreams, teasing each other silly and laughing to the point where bodily fluids escaped. (FYI: Those were the ONLY fluids exchanged that weekend.) It was a magical connection.
We quickly realized we were soul mates of some kind.
It was just figuring out what KIND that took some trial and error.
We tried on the Romance Hat (cousin to Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat) and the moment it touched our heads it yelled out “Doom and Gloom!”
We both saw how it could potentially morph our perfect friendship into something ugly and unrecognizable. Neither of us wanted that so we changed hats and decided we would be “best friends” instead.
Sure we still wanted to jump each other’s bones, that part didn’t go away. We just decided it wasn’t as important as staying happy together.
With Doom and Gloom off the table, we were able to fall head over heels in love with each other, as very intimate, occasionally tongue-tonsil-playing best friends.
In fact, I was the first girl he ever said, “I love you” to.
All it took was a change of perspective to give me a happily ever after with this impossibly busy, independent, and unavailable man.
Customize your love
Love is a beautiful thing and I understand that you don’t want to throw it away. You don’t have to. Shift a few expectations, create a few boundaries and you can continue to fall in love with this man AND let him be who he needs to be at this time.
Be careful! Sometimes when you’re close to him and he’s looking into your eyes like you’re the most wonderful person in the world, it’s easy to think,
Keep the dialogue going and the unique personality of your relationship will emerge.
Who knows? In time, a week, a month, a year, he might find he DOES a lot to give to someone and that someone might be you. (Click HERE to learn what you can say to pave the way in case he does change his mind!)
John Mayer claims, “Friends, Lovers or Nothing.” But I say, why limit yourself? I say yes to Love in whatever package it comes in.
This kind of open hearted, self-aware, authentic evolution requires great communication skills and it’s not for everyone. If you find you’re not capable of this kind of flexibility than I would say goodbye and farewell. You don’t want it to turn into something where you resent him for not being what you want him to be.
This is Mr. Right.
(Click HERE to learn how to find your Mr. Right.)
One year after my adventure with my unavailable man (who moved to South America), I found my true romantic soul-mate who committed to me wholeheartedly, lives with me, holds me when I cry, and does all my dishes.
You’ll find your Mr. Right too. It’s just not this guy, right now.
Now I’d love to hear from you!
Have you ever navigated a relationship with an unavailable man? What did that look like? Or are you navigating one right now? Leave a comment.
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I’m a good-looking guy, so I know my looks are not the problem. But every time I try talking to a girl, getting close to a girl, or try to take “dating” to the next level, it never works out. I’m a funny guy, fairly wise, very goal oriented, and I’m very social. But the bottom line is, I’m just not very good with “relationships” or dating in general. Can you help give me a clue on how to be more successful with the ladies?
The surprising truth about dating a selfish man (or a series of selfish men)
Hi Lauren! Thank you so much for all that you do. I’ve learned so much. My question is, what do you do if you’re dating a narcissist? Or in my case, a series of narcissists? It seems like every relationship I start, it’s all about what HE wants to do, or what HE wants to talk about, which is usually himself. I know I deserve more than that. What’s your advice when you’re dating a selfish man?
Great question. In this blog I’m go.
Why men pull away after sex (and what you can do about it!)
I’m friends with this guy and we really get along. Last week we somehow ended up in bed together. It felt comfortable and natural. What’s bothering me now is that he’s been acting differently towards me ever since. He used to text me all the time and now he never texts me unless I text him first. He seems like he isn’t interested in maintaining our relationship anymore and I’m not sure why. We had fun. Why is he acting so different?
5 Signs You’re Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Person
This post is just the tip of the iceberg! For even more of Shannon Kaiser’s wisdom, be sure to check out her newest class, Get Unstuck: How To Find Your Calling & Live A Life With More Meaning.
I’ve spent most of this past year emotionally invested in a person, thinking it would lead to real, lasting romance.
True to my nature, I ignored every red flag, often reading into texts more then I should have.
I played up situations in my mind, assuming the other person was on the same page.
This all changed last week, when I suddenly saw things clearly.
I was infatuated: head over heals in the deep sea of lustland with an emotionally unavailable man.
It seems I keep attracting the wrong men.
After leaving a romantic relationship almost a year ago, I declared my self-single and happy, but secretly hoping my new love interest would take notice.
Months later, I am still waiting for the man I thought could be The One to notice me.
If you are waiting for anyone to change, or notice you, move on! Quickly, run away as fast as you can.
As Oprah says, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."
I painted pretty pictures of us moving to Hawaii together and living happily ever after with our golden retrievers and surf boards.
I was jolted back to reality when 10 months later, I am still waiting. In recognizing that I have been obsessed with emotionally unavailable men, I had to ask myself, Why am I attracted to men who aren’t ready to commit? Why do I keep repeating this pattern?
My inner voice chimed in and said, "We only accept the love we think we deserve."
If you find yourself wrapped up in an emotionally unavailable person, it’s okay. The best thing to do is get clear about your desires and let the person go. In doing this, you can make space for the right person. You are amazing and perfect just the way you are. Don’t allow anyone in your life to make you feel different.
Here are 5 signs that you may be attracted to an emotionally unavailable person.
1. You give more than you receive.
When dating or investing your time with an emotional unavailable person you may find yourself giving a lot more then you get. Whether you buy gifts, pay for dinner ALL the time, or they never say thank you, you are really never going to see the return on your investment. Do not wait around hoping they will change and suddenly shower you with flowers, love and attention. Do yourself a favor and move on quickly.
2. They don’t show up for you.
Whether you have a work event, a new promotion to celebrate or a book release party, if the person you care about isn’t showing up to support you then they are emotionally closed off. People who really care will make it happen and show up for you. no matter what.
3. They are poor communicators.
If your love interest doesn’t pick up the phone or give you a clear answer when you talk this is a red flag. If they only use text message to communicate with you this is another red flag.
4. They are full of excuses and indecisive.
If you try to make plans with an emotional unavailable person, it’s like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands, slippery and frustrating. They may be busy, tired, stressed overworked, or broke . Whatever the reason, their excuses mean they are not open to long lasting love or an intimate connection at this time. Move along.
5. They talk about their past A LOT.
If you find yourself in love with an emotional unavailable person, red flags pop up all the time. The one most women skip over is the way and how often they talk about their exes. If there is any animosity, anger or sadness surrounding their exes, they have not healed completely.
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How to Make an Emotionally Unavailable Man Fall In Love With You
Want to learn how to make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love with you? Keep dreaming! Ok, but seriously…
Every time I talk to women about emotionally unavailable men and their relationship with them, one question crops up time and time again: “How do I make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love with me?” The question is as desperate as it is hopeless, because deep down, they all know that it’s a mission destined to fail. It’s impossible they think, because you can’t force a man to love you. And that’s true, you can’t; but that doesn’t mean a guy who is emotionally unavailable can’t fall in love with you.
Confused? Read on.
What you need to do is follow some steps and some basic rules.
These rules are meant to show him that you are trustworthy, that you are willing to give him time, that you are not here to pressure him into something that he doesn’t want and that you don’t want to change him . Meanwhile, he gets to see how incredible and wonderful you are, in addition to all the other qualities I just listed. Slowly, but surely, he’ll get attached and it’ll be easier for him to open up emotionally. Soon, he’ll be wondering why the hell he wouldn’t commit to you – after all, he wouldn’t want to lose you, would he?
Step One: Understand where he is coming from
First and foremost, you have to get into it with him and understand where his issues stem from. Has he recently gotten out of a relationship? Maybe he is separated or going through a divorce? Perhaps his parents didn’t have a stable relationship when he was a child, or maybe he just has too many issues on his mind at the moment to have the time and the emotional availability required of a real relationship. Regardless of the reason, you’re going to have to make an effort to understand why he is the way he is and why he is having difficulty opening up to you.
Chances are that he won’t be willing to tell you all about what he’s going through… and the male mind can be difficult to understand. I should know, right?
It may not always seem like the decisions he makes or his thought process is logical. You may consider talking to another guy about it; talk a little about your guy’s behavior and see what comes up. You never know who may be able to help you with information. This way, you will genuinely understand what your (distant) man is going through and you’ll be able to offer support.
Step Two: Respect his terms
Next, you have to demonstrate that you are willing to respect his terms. If he tells you point-blank that he can’t be your boyfriend, then you’re going to have to respect that. What can he commit to? Casual dating? Hooking up once in a while? Seeing each other regularly, but no strings attached? It’s important to only go as far as he is ready for. Trust me, nothing will scare a guy away faster than if you’re trying to move too fast or force him into a commitment he doesn’t want. I’ve personally fled from a situation like that before and I know others who have.
Step Three: Don’t pressure him
Remember those embarrassing videos they used to show us in high-school about not pressuring each other into sex? Well, the principle is still the same and it can still apply to sex, but also to other activities that he may not be quite ready for. In a relationship that is imbalanced, like this one, you may be tempted to go faster than he wants to, because you are falling for him and you want things to progress, but you have to take his feelings into consideration.
I can tell you straight off the bat, he doesn’t really want to meet your parents. He wouldn’t be thrilled about spending a weekend away with your best friend and her husband either, so maybe lay off the suggestions. If you agree to wait and take it at his pace and then you spring commitment on him, he will only shut back down again, because he’ll get scared. Really scared.
Step Four: Have patience
Perhaps the most important thing I can teach you is to have patience. Remember that you’re in this for the long-haul, so you have to stick to your guns. Change is not going to happen overnight, so you need to stand by him long enough for him to start realizing how much he really wants you in his life. Emotional issues are not easy to get over, so your guy may need a little time. I’m sure you already know that it’s not easy for us to deal with feelings anyway, so it may take him a good, long while.
I know you think he won’t notice or appreciate it, but he will, trust me. You think he doesn’t know that he hasn’t been offering much, but you are still there? It’s remarkable, and he will grow to appreciate it very much; that’s the start of some real feelings being developed. Patience is a virtue and in this case, it’s one that can bring you a lot of joy and benefits.
Step Five: You’re great on your own, so show him
Now, an essential part – make sure that he knows exactly what you have to offer in this relationship. You’re cute, smart, sexy, funny, laid-back, understanding, independent, and you have a full and interesting life of your own. You don’t actually need him and that is a very attractive feature believe it or not.
Look, we like what we can’t have and we like “catching” something or someone that doesn’t necessarily want to be caught. You already have everything you need, so why would you stick around for him? That is what you should get him thinking.
Step Six: Congrats! He’s fallen for you
Suddenly, he sees you in a new light. He sees everything you bring to the table and how another very lucky guy could snatch you right up from under his nose. He needs to realize that unless he commits, he’s going to lose you. At this point, he makes an important realization; a breakthrough. He doesn’t want to let you go, because he’s fallen in love with you. This is the point where you need to bring him and he’s yours. Good luck!